Revised paragraph

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Initial Paragraph:

Unfortunately, employers still have prejudicial feelings, whether they know it or, towards women. These feelings are "rarely acknowledged but block the way." These feelings are "deeply entrenched" and cloud employers' feelings when they are considering who to hire. Often women were seen as weaker and less intelligent than men, and these feelings have continued into the present day, arguably in lower degrees. These feelings tend to reappear when considering who to hire. People tend to perceive women as "a greater risk for senior positions, fail to give women tough feedback that would help them grow, or hesitate to offer working mothers opportunities that come with more travel and stress."

Revised Paragraph:

Employers, of both genders, still, even in the twenty-first century, hold prejudice feelings towards women.  These feelings, whether acknowledged or not, play a crucial, yet not always cognizant, role in the hiring process.  Some of the most common preconceptions view women as weaker and lacking in leadership power.  It is not an entirely preposterous concept; women do tend to have a lower confidence level.  According to the Institute of Leadership and Management, fifty percent of women had qualms about their job compared to less than thirty-five percent of men.  Having confidence is crucial to leading an influential company-a business needs an authoritative, dominant leader, not a submissive, indecisive one.

Because of this philosophy of meek women, the image of a secretary comes to mind when thinking of women in the workforce.  Rarely does it elicit an image of a successful, fair boss. 

Why the second is better:

The first sentence I changed the wording around to make it stronger and clearer.  By changing the verb from have to hold, the sentence was made much more coherent and use the active voice.  I started a lot of sentences with 'These feelings,' so I reworded sentences to diversify and avoid passiveness.  I took out a lot of the quotes, which allowed to offer more of an analysis and less of a summary.  Putting someone else's word in does not allow the reader to acknowledge the 'so what?' factor and the analysis of why the argument matters.  I also took out some of the wordiness, especially with "when they were considering to hire" and changed it to the more concise "hiring process."  Avoiding passive voice and wordiness allowed me to stay on topic on my paragraph and ensure that the subject of the sentences effectively matched the topic of the paragraph.